Review: Invincible #80

Invincible #80 is the first issue I have ever waited for; that's right, I am fairly new to the Invincible universe. While the issue delivered on my anticipation, it felt far too crowded—so much happens in so little time and it all seems forced. It is impossible to discuss the issue without spoilers, so let this be a warning that everything past this point is meant for those who already read #80, or simply don't care.

The issue opens with Debbie and Nolan choosing to attempt reconciliation, which they plan to attempt on another planet. It was a great opening, if tad anti-climactic, but was immediately followed by a second curveball—the reveal that William is gay. I have no problem with a gay character or a longtime character coming out, but this seemed random and as if it was obvious and expected. I never suspected William of being anything but a whiner and of little importance to the overall story, so I was rather surprised. My curiosities also question if this was purposefully revealed in June.

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Review: Hard Lines (iPhone/iPod Touch)

Do you remember playing Snake on your old school idiot phone—with no internet connection, no color display, a no touch controls? I do and may be one of the few who has fond memories of those days. I don't know how rare a Snake fan is, but regardless of rarity, I'm as big a fan as you'll ever meet. Well, Hard Lines is basically Snake with a lot of deviations and the presence of personality. It may be my love of Snake, but Hard Lines is one of the best iPhone games I've played in quite some time.

There are many modes to choose from—Survival, Deadline, Time Attack, Piñata, Gauntlet, and classic Snake—and each mode adds its own flavor. All modes other than 'Snake' feature A.I. lines in need of destroying—comparative to Tron's light cycles—but sometimes their dialogue makes them hard to kill. That's right, the lines talk and I loved every second of it. The dialogue holds the potential to distract, but I found it entertaining and different in a genre that hasn't seen much change in countless decades. Seeing a line say, "I thought you were my friend," makes me cry on the inside because he or she is right; what kind of person would kill their friends without a second thought? Apparently me, I guess.

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Review: Mega Man #2 (comic)

The Mega Man story continues with Mega Man #2 and it only took issue two to lose me and probably you. Sorry, but the last sentence was practically begging for the rhymes. I understand that Mega Man—and Archie Comics in general—is directed towards children, but there is a way to write for children without writing like a child. It may just be me, but there is nothing lamer than using the word "lame." And don't accuse me of hypocrisy, I was simply making my point before there was a point to be made.

Reading how Mega Man feels bad about everything he does over and over again got old faster than a mayfly. The entire comic is bipolar in its nature and goes round and round in a circle of sadness, conflict, achievement, and questions. Part of the comic's problem is that this specific storyline is only a four-part arc, which forces the writer—Ian Flynn—to rush through what little he has to work with. Watching Mega Man easily defeat three robot masters in one issue is anticlimactic. A robot—who was never intended for battle—being able to easily defeat supposed masters removes most excitement.

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E3 2011: Nintendo

Nintendo, nintendo, nintendo. The conference I wanted to blow me (away) more than all others left me the most apathetic. We knew a new console was coming out, but we never knew it would be called the Wii U—lots of rhyming just then. The problem with this new console is they never explicitly showed the console; they only focused on the new controller, which looks like a child's "my first tablet." Calling it a tablet is a bad comparison because it is not a tablet; it is simply a receiver for the console—an obvious way to keep cost down. There are some potentially interesting utilizations of this new system, but Nintendo has yet to show me a reason to buy the Wii U or even be interested, but they have until 2012 to wake me up before they go-go.

Games, you say? There were games, but nothing surprised me and the entire conference lacked excitement—besides the opening with Miyamoto showing he's Tom Hanks in Big. Nintendo acted like we would be surprised by a Mario 3DS game or a new Super Smash Bros., but I wanted to see something new, not the same old, same old. I also can't deny the difficulty in finding excitement from the 3DS when I can buy a PlayStation Vita for the same price. There was a tease of Zelda in HD—which looked absolutely beautiful—and a big push for third party support on Wii U, but support means nothing if people continue to purchase these games on other consoles, especially if they don't release day and date with their competitors. Another issue is the actual controller, which doesn't look comfortable and comfort is not something I would give up for an inventory screen. I do want to quickly go back to Zelda as I was disappointed by the lack of an actual anniversary collection, but I am extremely giddy over the announcement of a Zelda concert tour—Zelda always featured some of the best video game scores.

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E3 2011: Day One Impressions

Microsoft: They didn't sell to me, but they knew they didn't have to; they were looking to increase console ownership, not satisfy those who already support them. Some may look at this as a bad choice because they believe the hardcore is supreme, but the hardcore doesn't abandon a console so easily. What Microsoft did was sell their platform to all those consumers who don't own, or just recently purchase an Xbox 360. The majority of Kinect titles may not have interested me, but if I was a parent, I would feel justified in my purchase or become interested in joining the bandwagon. Simply put, Microsoft held a conference to bring in new customers, not satisfy current customers. That may not be what you wanted, but it doesn't mean it was a bad for business. P.S. The new Tomb Raider looked great, the new dashboard is Windows Phone 7, and Kinect Sport 2 is Step Brothers: "The Game."

Electronic Arts: This is probably the conference that held my attention the least. There were sports games and a weird moment involving three NFL players, which included one of those stupid Packers. Mass Effect 3 is going to be more Mass Effect and Star Wars: The Old Republic continues to prove EA and BioWare should have put all their money into a feature-length CGI movie, instead of an MMO we've barely seen in action. Need for Speed: The Run is basically Heavy Rain: "The Car Scene" over and over and over again, a.k.a., horrible. Insomniac Games reveals their multi-platform title, Overstrike, which looks like a ton of fun with a nice, exaggerated art style. And Battlefield 3 is still amazing.

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E3 2011 Infallible Predictions

I have never said anything truer than this: No matter how unlikely and/or ridiculous these predictions are, they are all more likely than the "Rapture" ever was, unless your Rapture was listening to Blondie.

• Irrational Games decides to take BioShock Infinite back to Rapture.
• Nintendo pulls a Sega and turns into a software-only company.
• Sega pulls their hand out of your ass and announces the Dreamcast 2, releasing Fall '11.
• Along with the Dreamcast 2, Sega announces Shenmue 3 as a launch title.
• Microsoft says goodbye to the 360 and Kinect and just buys every public park. They then tell everyone to go outside an "play."
• Sony renames the NGP the PlayStation 4 and announces the PlayStation 5.
• Apple announces a console. They call it the Banana and steal that old boomerang controller, which is shaped rather close to a banana.
• 3D is out. 4D is in. Wait, 4D is now out and 3D is back in. Never mind, back to 2D, so say we all.
• Final Fantasy VII HD Definitive Remix Edition of Stop Crying About Aerith is announced and Square Enix decides to change the story by saving Aerith and killing Tifa.
• GameStop buys McDonalds and institutes a used marketplace for Fries, McNuggets, and Big Macs.
• Metal Gear Solid 5 is announced as a 67 hour long quick time event.
• Nintendo buys Running With Scissors and replaces The Dude with Mario in Postal 3.
• I am one hundred percent correct on all prediction none of the time, every time.

Review: Robo Surf (iOS)

Robo Surf is yet another "get as far as you can" game reminiscent of Canabalt, Doodle Jump, and *enter game name here*. That sentence may sound negative, but I'm a fan of the genre and Robo Surf does enough differently to set itself apart. The basic gameplay consists of riding a wave and controlling the height via touching all while avoiding obstacles—such as birds, bats, and other animals—so you better not suck at touching. It is fundamentally simple, but the game adds depth and challenge with what are essentially bosses.

The bosses tend to appear every 500km and this distance is treated like a checkpoint, allowing the player to resume from the last multiple of 500km they reached. The bosses can be defeated with the use of turbo—which is obtained through oil barrels or riding close to obstacles—or they will eventually leave if outmaneuvered for long enough. The bosses added a sense of excitement and kept me focused, where other games eventually bore me with their lack of variety. The actual mechanic of keeping the wave alive also requires more attention, as I found myself tapping the screen more than other endless running/jumping/etc games.

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Review: Astonishing X-Men: Gifted (motion comic)

I have been a sporadic X-Men fan over the years and can't help but think of Jim Lee whenever I think X-Men. Lee's art is what I picture and Claremont's stories are what I remember, not to mention I'm a rather large—not fat or big-boned—fan of Gambit. This has nothing to do with the topic at hand, but I think it's important to know that I am not an all-encompassing X-Men follower. What I am here to talk about is Astonishing X-Men: Gifted, particularly the motion comic. I did not read the comic so everything is new, but none of that matters because I am reviewing the motion comic and boy, did I hate every second of it.

I know there are a lot of Joss Whedon fans located neatly in geek culture, but I've always felt rather indifferent towards him. In the case of Gifted, I found his writing to be okay at best and unbearable at its worse. All attempted humor fell flat and while this could be related to poor voice acting, I can't imagine enjoying it under any circumstance. The basic plot is fine and has potential, but the meat that surrounds it is forgettable. I briefly mentioned the voice acting and it ranges from decent—specifically Beast—to barely tolerable. Most of the time, the acting sounds stiff and the delivery lacks emotion.

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Review: Mega Man #1 (comic)

I purchased Mega Man #1 the day it released as little more than a novelty. It took me this long—roughly three weeks—to review it. The funny thing is, I could have reviewed the comic without ever reading it because it is exactly what I expected. It is nothing more than a novelty at this point, but novelty doesn't immediately mean negativity. Mega Man #1 is great for parents who grew up with little Rock [Mega Man] and want to share him with their children; and, the comic is unquestionably more accessible for children than the actual video games.

For those familiar with the series, Mega Man #1 is essentially the origin story tied with the very first game. They introduce the opposing doctors—Dr. Light and Dr. Wily, who were colleagues at first—and the Robot Masters—Cut Man, Guts Man, Ice Man, Bomb Man, Fire Man, and Elec Man. There are no surprises, but I wouldn't want it any other way. The art is beautiful and the star of the show and I really look forward to seeing what they do in future issues, where there will inevitably be more action. This makes for a great kid's comic and I wouldn't expect anything else from Archie Comics, but I will never cease to be annoyed by all the ads their comics contain.

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L.A. Noire just learned me all up in my face

Ignore the horribly written title above; my eyes are just opened to a whole new world of facts. Below I have listed a few discoveries fond during my time with L.A. Noire and I can't wait to put them into practice. I do not endorse any of these acts and if you attempt any of them, make sure you cry to Fox News. Because I know how stupid people can be, especially on the internet, let me say right now that this entire post is a joke. Thank you, come again.

• If your wife cheats on you, it is perfectly fine—and LAPD approved—to burn her house down.
• Everyone is a liar. This is always true, or I could be lying. You're filled with doubt now, aren't you?
• The characters mean nothing; cases mean everything.
• It is okay for cops to hit and run as long as they use the siren. It is, after all, common courtesy.
• Your obese mother can easily climb a pipe in her Sunday dress. She could also run a marathon and find a spot on the U.S. Olympic hurdles team.

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