The Cursed Crusade: Decapitating Haircuts

I mentioned my distaste for The Cursed Crusade a week or so ago, specifically citing an oddity coming from the process of decapitation. In The Cursed Crusade, the Xbox 360 demo at least, decapitation not only cuts off one's head, but completely removes their hair as well, which some could call a haircut. Well, I didn't only want to tell you about this, but show you the loveliness too; and now that I have the ability to do so, I did do so indeed. Enjoy some video proof of decapitating haircuts, the only haircut you'll ever need.

Thomas Was Alone until watching this trailer

Because watching this trailer makes me want to offer my company, and hopefully does the same for you. Thomas Was Alone: "a minimalist game about friendship and jumping." Minimalist art, if done well, is one of my loves and this announcement trailer shows off the visuals in such a way that makes me want to play this here little game today. The trailer has also apparently filled me with enough glee to start rhyming and I always enjoy a good rhyme. In addition to lovely visuals and an interesting style of play, the music featured is a beautiful original piece by David Housden, who's supplying all of the game's music. Anyway, Thomas Was Alone has a planned release of April 2012 for PC and Mac—let the impatient waiting begin. Be sure to follow the game's mastermind, Mike Bithell, on Twitter for all the updates you'll ever need.

Review: The War of the Worlds (XBLA)

The War of the Worlds' greatest accomplishment is bestowing upon me the knowledge that Sir Patrick Stewart should spend the rest of his life narrating most audiobooks; and by most, I mean each and every audiobook from now until the end of time. But as great as Stewart's wonderfully soothing and inviting narration is, it lost a lot of its impact when I heard it eight times in a row due to cheap deaths, or hearing it get cut off in mid-sentence because I passed a very specific point in a level. And if it isn't already obvious, my praising of the game's narration above all else should be rather telling of the overall quality.

The War of the Worlds is, yes, based off the story penned by H.G. Wells and does a particularly good job at creating the morbid atmosphere of this well-known story of an alien invasion. Often, the visuals feature lovely bits of contrast, both literally and figuratively—contrast of colors, light and dark, and life and death. That said, there are moments when the visuals come across muddy and a tad ugly when I took the time to stop and look at them, but most of the time, the game is beautifully stylized and suits the subject matter extremely well.

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Paranormal table for Pinball FX2 free from 10/26 - 11/2

If you regularly follow the site and Mr. Sausage himself, a.k.a., me, you know how I gush over Pinball FX2 and every new release from Zen Studios. Today sees the release of a new table—Paranormal—and it is completely free for one week, from October 26th to November 2nd. I can't comment on the table's quality, but based off all their previous work, I'm going to go out on a limb and say it's scrumptious. And in case you haven't played Pinball FX2 and want to get in on the free table, just remember you need Pinball FX2 installed to play it, which is a free "game"—it's really just a game launcher along the lines of Game Room and whatnot. So get yourself some delicious free treats now.

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Grand Theft Auto V officially announced

You know, I really thought they were going to stop after Grand Theft Auto IV, but I guess I was wrong. Sarcasm aside, this is pleasing news and now let's all say, "Grand Theft Chicago." If you're looking for more details, none exist, other than this image covering Rockstar Games' front page.

Review: Crimson Alliance - Vengeance Map Pack (XBLA)

Crimson Alliance released early last month and many people got the game—technically, the complete class pack—for free as part of the Summer of Arcade '11 promotion, and now Certain Affinity has released some lovely new content: the Vengeance Map Pack. I could go into the intricacies of how the game plays and all that jazz, but seeing as this is additional content, I am going to assume anyone interested has already played the game. Also, the DLC is most definitely endgame content.

Endgame content you say? I do say, and the reason is due to the fact that playing any of the levels included in this DLC as a new character will end in death like making a wrong turn in Dark Souls—which makes no sense if you don't know that game; translation: a lot. Don't let this scare you off; the new content is not too difficult, it's just meant for seasoned characters. As far as the actual content, this particular DLC pack includes two somewhat meaty levels and a wonderfully thought-out challenge map.

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Review: Dungeon Defenders (Multi)

If you game on a fancy schmancy mobile phone, Dungeon Defenders may bring feelings of déjà vu, as the game released on iOS and Android almost a year ago, which just so happens to be when I first played the game. That said, I always felt something was missing in the initial release, something physical, something resembling any object with buttons and analog sticks that protrude from the device. Well guess what, Dungeon Defenders now comes with protrusion and, for the most part, I couldn't be happier. For instance, the visuals are beautiful with style and charm, making me happy.

Dungeon Defenders will feel familiar to anyone who has played Trenched or the like as it's another tower defense game where you actually control your own character. What comes across more so in Dungeon Defenders is just how much customization can go into the development of each individual character. With a level cap of seventy, many different skills to upgrade, and the ability to upgrade armor, weapons, and pets, there exists many ways to create a character who fits your personality. My only sadness comes from a lack of visible differences with new armor; however, weapons show visual distinction and there at least exists the ability to change a character's colors.

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The Cursed Crusade is cursed today

The Cursed Crusade is quite possibly the greatest hair salon simulator ever created. With a tailored swift swipe, you and your magical sword can both cut off a man's head and render his scalp hairless at the same time! "But Marc, why would anyone want a haircut as I die?" What a silly question, but I'll humor you with an answer: necrophilia is steadily growing in popularity and if I was going to get sexually molested by fetishistic necrophiles, I would sure as hell want to look good while it happens.

Jokes aside, what I have played of The Cursed Crusade was rather awful on almost every level. The combat is boring and repetitive, the controls are sluggish, the visuals are visually unappealing, and the game has more bugs than my soon-to-be molested copse. It somewhat feels like an attempt to mix Assassin's Creed with more fantasy elements, but  the execution leaves me wishing for my own execution, as my brief time brought no fun and little material for puns. You-all can try out the game for yourself in a demo available now on Xbox LIVE and PSN. Go cut some hair.

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Review: Pinball FX2: Sorcerer's Lair (Multi)

Sorcerer's Lair is an original table that released earlier this year on PSN (Zen Pinball) and has finally made its way to XBLA and Pinball FX2. "This is a fairy, cutesy hell hole!" I exclaimed upon launching the table for the first time, finding the aesthetic initially unappealing. After getting past the bug-eyed kids all up in my face, I started falling in love with the abundance of color and surprisingly found myself playing what would become one of my favorite tables to date.

After getting past the blast of purple and adorable eyes, I came to appreciate the beauty of Sorcerer's Lair. It does rely heavily on blue and purple, but there are hints of fellow colors throughout, making for one pretty ass table. In addition to the general table, specific missions take you to another area and add a tidbit of variety in both gameplay and visuals, both of which are enjoyable in their respective ways. If nothing else, Sorcerer's Lair has destroyed all my future political plans, exposing my flip-flop tendencies, and helping me discover I still kind of dig purple in more than just Donatello art.

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Scribblenauts Remix magically arrives in the App Store

You may or may not know at this point, but Scribblenauts Remix found its way into the App Store earlier today as a Universal app. The release came out of nowhere and is one of the loveliest surprises I've had in quite some time. I remember wishing for such a port to happen last year and never expected to see it come to fruition, but today has randomly created this game by pulling out a magical keyboard and typing "give me a friggin' iOS Scribblenauts game already dammit! And iOS 5 too." Lo and behold, that shit actually works! I have now realized the last sentence makes no sense if you've never played the game, so let me give the simplest description: Scribblenauts is a puzzle game in which you solve puzzles by creating objects with a virtual keyboard. And you can make God fight a tiger.

A few details on this particular release: One, it features forty levels from a mixture of both Scribblenauts and Super Scribblenauts, as well as ten brand new levels created just for the iOS release. Two, it does include the Super Scribblenauts edition of adjectives. And three, it plays pretty damn well and looks especially pretty on iPad. If you're new to the series, this seems to be a great version of the game at a great price. And if you've played the DS games like the guy who just typed "like the guy," I'd say having a version of Scribblenauts always sitting in your pocket is reason enough.

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