E3 2011 Infallible Predictions

I have never said anything truer than this: No matter how unlikely and/or ridiculous these predictions are, they are all more likely than the "Rapture" ever was, unless your Rapture was listening to Blondie.

• Irrational Games decides to take BioShock Infinite back to Rapture.
• Nintendo pulls a Sega and turns into a software-only company.
• Sega pulls their hand out of your ass and announces the Dreamcast 2, releasing Fall '11.
• Along with the Dreamcast 2, Sega announces Shenmue 3 as a launch title.
• Microsoft says goodbye to the 360 and Kinect and just buys every public park. They then tell everyone to go outside an "play."
• Sony renames the NGP the PlayStation 4 and announces the PlayStation 5.
• Apple announces a console. They call it the Banana and steal that old boomerang controller, which is shaped rather close to a banana.
• 3D is out. 4D is in. Wait, 4D is now out and 3D is back in. Never mind, back to 2D, so say we all.
• Final Fantasy VII HD Definitive Remix Edition of Stop Crying About Aerith is announced and Square Enix decides to change the story by saving Aerith and killing Tifa.
• GameStop buys McDonalds and institutes a used marketplace for Fries, McNuggets, and Big Macs.
• Metal Gear Solid 5 is announced as a 67 hour long quick time event.
• Nintendo buys Running With Scissors and replaces The Dude with Mario in Postal 3.
• I am one hundred percent correct on all prediction none of the time, every time.

Review: Robo Surf (iOS)

Robo Surf is yet another "get as far as you can" game reminiscent of Canabalt, Doodle Jump, and *enter game name here*. That sentence may sound negative, but I'm a fan of the genre and Robo Surf does enough differently to set itself apart. The basic gameplay consists of riding a wave and controlling the height via touching all while avoiding obstacles—such as birds, bats, and other animals—so you better not suck at touching. It is fundamentally simple, but the game adds depth and challenge with what are essentially bosses.

The bosses tend to appear every 500km and this distance is treated like a checkpoint, allowing the player to resume from the last multiple of 500km they reached. The bosses can be defeated with the use of turbo—which is obtained through oil barrels or riding close to obstacles—or they will eventually leave if outmaneuvered for long enough. The bosses added a sense of excitement and kept me focused, where other games eventually bore me with their lack of variety. The actual mechanic of keeping the wave alive also requires more attention, as I found myself tapping the screen more than other endless running/jumping/etc games.

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Review: Astonishing X-Men: Gifted (motion comic)

I have been a sporadic X-Men fan over the years and can't help but think of Jim Lee whenever I think X-Men. Lee's art is what I picture and Claremont's stories are what I remember, not to mention I'm a rather large—not fat or big-boned—fan of Gambit. This has nothing to do with the topic at hand, but I think it's important to know that I am not an all-encompassing X-Men follower. What I am here to talk about is Astonishing X-Men: Gifted, particularly the motion comic. I did not read the comic so everything is new, but none of that matters because I am reviewing the motion comic and boy, did I hate every second of it.

I know there are a lot of Joss Whedon fans located neatly in geek culture, but I've always felt rather indifferent towards him. In the case of Gifted, I found his writing to be okay at best and unbearable at its worse. All attempted humor fell flat and while this could be related to poor voice acting, I can't imagine enjoying it under any circumstance. The basic plot is fine and has potential, but the meat that surrounds it is forgettable. I briefly mentioned the voice acting and it ranges from decent—specifically Beast—to barely tolerable. Most of the time, the acting sounds stiff and the delivery lacks emotion.

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Review: Mega Man #1 (comic)

I purchased Mega Man #1 the day it released as little more than a novelty. It took me this long—roughly three weeks—to review it. The funny thing is, I could have reviewed the comic without ever reading it because it is exactly what I expected. It is nothing more than a novelty at this point, but novelty doesn't immediately mean negativity. Mega Man #1 is great for parents who grew up with little Rock [Mega Man] and want to share him with their children; and, the comic is unquestionably more accessible for children than the actual video games.

For those familiar with the series, Mega Man #1 is essentially the origin story tied with the very first game. They introduce the opposing doctors—Dr. Light and Dr. Wily, who were colleagues at first—and the Robot Masters—Cut Man, Guts Man, Ice Man, Bomb Man, Fire Man, and Elec Man. There are no surprises, but I wouldn't want it any other way. The art is beautiful and the star of the show and I really look forward to seeing what they do in future issues, where there will inevitably be more action. This makes for a great kid's comic and I wouldn't expect anything else from Archie Comics, but I will never cease to be annoyed by all the ads their comics contain.

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L.A. Noire just learned me all up in my face

Ignore the horribly written title above; my eyes are just opened to a whole new world of facts. Below I have listed a few discoveries fond during my time with L.A. Noire and I can't wait to put them into practice. I do not endorse any of these acts and if you attempt any of them, make sure you cry to Fox News. Because I know how stupid people can be, especially on the internet, let me say right now that this entire post is a joke. Thank you, come again.

• If your wife cheats on you, it is perfectly fine—and LAPD approved—to burn her house down.
• Everyone is a liar. This is always true, or I could be lying. You're filled with doubt now, aren't you?
• The characters mean nothing; cases mean everything.
• It is okay for cops to hit and run as long as they use the siren. It is, after all, common courtesy.
• Your obese mother can easily climb a pipe in her Sunday dress. She could also run a marathon and find a spot on the U.S. Olympic hurdles team.

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Expose yourself to Northern Exposure

Northern Exposure is a show I've known about for years, but always looked the other way. I expected a formulaic show about a culture-shocked doctor who slowly falls for the new home he initially hates. Upon viewing—I am currently midway through the third season—Northern Exposure kidnapped my expectations, took them into the woods and promptly fed them dim sum. That last bit of nonsense is filled with references to the show, but to put it in simpler terms, I adore every single second.

Northern Exposure hides an abundance of quirk and cleverness behind its seemingly generic face. In watching the show, I find moments that leave me saying, "Hey! I always thought *insert more current TV show here* did that first, but here it is in Northern Exposure." At times, the characters will talk to the audience, or an entire episode will take place in a dream. There lies a wonderful world full of rich characters of countless differing and conflicting personalities. It isn't often I find a show where I enjoy every single character, even those who may only appear sporadically.

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Review: Marvel Pinball: Fantastic Four (Multi)

Marvel Pinball came out way back in December 2010 and if you're like me, you have been impatiently waiting for the next Marvel-themed table. The wait is finally over thanks to the release of Marvel Pinball: Fantastic Four. It may seem odd that they chose Fantastic Four over Thor—a pretty good Thor film may or may not have just crossed a rainbow bridge into theaters—but Marvel's First Family makes for great pinball and it just so happens to be their 50th anniversary.

If you remember, I really enjoyed the initial release of Marvel Pinball and Zen Studios unsurprisingly delivers another great table. I'm honestly not the biggest Fantastic Four fan, but their table features the variety and interactivity I've come to expect from Pinball FX 2 tables. The visuals and controls are great as usual, but I truly believe the audio takes the top spot here—the music, voice work, and effects all come together into a wonderful, cohesive package. The audio is simply fantastic for all aspects—I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself—and really gives the table an extra sense of excitement.

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Impressions: L.A. Noire so far

The game in L.A. Noire and these are a few quick impressions of aspects I enjoy and those I dislike. Keep in mind I am still early in the game—as far as I know—and some things may change, but others will likely sit tight. You will likely notice complaints and compliments that seem extremely minute, but we all have our own nits in need of picking. With all that said, here is some good and some bad from L.A. Noire, from the point of view of man who named his site "Pixelated Sausage."

The Good

The facial animation is obviously well done—if a little exaggerated at times—and adds genuine emotion to fictional characters. The story is interesting and the voice acting is top-notch, but there seems to be no existence of a large, encompassing story. The fact that I can adjust the audio level of dialogue separately is a huge relief—I know this is not a big deal for most. The ability to play the game in black and white. Being able to say, "Hey! It's that actress who sucked on Steve Carell's toes in The 40 Year Old Virgin!" And last but not least, the maturity of L.A. Noire—not in levels of violence, language, or sexuality, but in its literal maturity. -- The bad (and more) comes with clickage.

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Review: Moriarty #1

Moriarty: The Dark Chamber is the best new series I have read in ages—written by Daniel Corey, with art by Anthony Diecidue. It takes the character of Professor Moriarty and places him in a world where Sherlock Holmes is dead. I didn't know much about the character beforehand—as I never followed the tales of Holmes—but this comic holds up on its own. The writing, art, pacing, and self-contained story are all wonderfully put together into a cohesive piece of art. I really haven't heard much chatter prior to its release, but I hope this all changes because Moriarty #1 is a must-buy for not only comic fans, but fans of literature in general.

This is an extremely well done first issue and manages to deliver loads of information without ever feeling talky or excessive. This issue kept my interest from page one until the very end and my only disappointment is that it had to eventually end. There are twists, turns and moments of action that fill the story with life and excitement. These bits of action happen sparingly and do well in balancing the overall story. I found no fault in the what I've read to this point and I can't wait to see where it goes when the second issue hits in June.

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Footprints: A Monster Murder Mystery

Footprints: A Monster Murder Mystery is the definition of an independent comic—written by Joey Esposito, with art by Jonathan Moore and letters by Adam O. Pruett. Footprints is the noir tale of Bigfoot and company looking to find the reason for his brother's death—the one and only Yeti. I didn't know what to expect upon reading the first issue, but needless to say, I was pleasantly surprised. The story and writing was more interesting and engrossing than some of the more recent published works I've read and the art fits the style perfectly.

I don't want to spoil the story—issue #1 can be read in its entirety for free here or below—so I will do my best to avoid such troubled waters. Footprints avoids my biggest pet peeve in comics: excess dialogue. Footprints delivers its story with what you need and nothing more, which is something I always appreciate. The use of cryptic creatures changes what would be an average noir tale to something more unique, but Esposito's major accomplishment is his ability to give a distinct personality to each character right off the bat. I immediately knew who these characters were and almost felt like I've been reading their stories for more than just one issue. The best compliment I can give is that I wanted to read issue #2 the second I finished issue #1.

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